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January 21st, 2005
01:23 pm - i loved her, but i had to kill her
About the only thing that was a bigger pain in the ass than updating the blog was hearing people bitch about me not updating the blog. When it comes down it to it, it's just a big case of blogstipation. And I'm tired of saying the blog's name. Should've known better than to name it after a Death Cab song. On that note, new blog! I'm gonna be experimenting with my new site, Sexy Results! It's gonna take a while for me to understand all the mechanics, but it's mostly gonna be the same shit: music, Red Lobster, softcore pornography. So enjoy:
http://sexy-results.blogspot.com/
Also, Radford tried to buy the copyrights to all the old blogs for $100. I thought you guys needed to know that.
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January 6th, 2005
11:41 am - i came, i saw, i hit him right there in the jaw
Ah, what better way to get back into that Bermuda Triange of productiveness that is livejournal than with another running MTV Jams diary...
Ciara- "1, 2 Step": The "Missy Elliott: Hot by 2009" Campaign hits a snag whenever she gets paired up with someone who's actually hot in a normal way, as opposed to, say, Lil' Kim or that 10-year old girl from the "Work It" video that Pete insists IS hot, not "will be."
Lil' Jon and the Eastside Boyz- "What U Gonna Do?"
- Best idea since the Lil' Jon talking keychain: for all of his white fans, he needs to offer a vacation package in Atlanta where you pay $20 to experience what it's like "up in da c'ub," but you get to stay in a shark cage-like device at all times.
Twista feat. R. Kelly- "So Sexy"
- Granted, we've allowed him back in our hearts musically, but I think it's really saying something that all the downtown shoppin' honeys in this video feel perfectly comfortable grinding up on the ugliest dude to ever rap and they still stay at least three feet from the man who once sang "I Like The Crotch On You."
Ludacris- "Get Back"
- Let's play the home version of the "Title Ludacris' Lead-off Single" Game. Instructions: 1. come up with a verb. 2. come up with the direction in which to do said verb. I'll bet you five bucks the first single off his next album is called "Act Right."
Destiny's Child- "Soldier"
- To casual fan, there is absolutely no point to the latest incarnation of Destiny's Child, since the group really only existed to catapult Beyonce into being an acceptable black chick for white dudes to like to begin with. I realize that this whole album was financed by Jay-Z as a way of reestablishing his manhood since Nas' girlfriend established herself as legitimately fuck-crazy; if you take the chorus literally, you have audio documentation of Beyonce saying Jigga's packing major knob.
Nelly feat. Tim McGraw- "Over And Over"
- One guy's married to Faith Hill, who an inordinate amount of black guys feel the need to castigate white people who think she's hot, for the crime of "havin' no cot damn ass!" And then there's the Applebottom Jeans magnate himself. Talk about worlds colliding.
Mario- "Let Me Love You"
- There's a guy named Mario. And he desires that you let him love you. That's a hell of a lot to overcome before you find out he's a B2K reject from Murderland. The inevitable "greasy Italians take over R&B" trend misses the boat completely here.
Jojo feat. Lil' Bow Wow- "It's You"
- I thought it'd be tough to top Usher and Alicia Keys for the front-runner in 2005's "You Know They're Fucking" Video Music Award, but this just might do it. Doesn't she look like someone who'd get knocked up at 14 anyways?
Current Music: Doves- Lost Souls
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December 27th, 2004
03:43 pm - i'm living in my own private idaho
"Bling bling" has officially made the Webster's dictionary, besting my prediction by one and a half years. "Humbling" should also be in there, accompanied by photo documentation of Virginia doin' Fresno State in their raisin-hole at the MPC Computer Bowl (8-3 seasons don't pay for themselves). I think you can admit your football team isn't top-notch when two women and Mike Tomczak are announcing your game (what, Jim Miller wasn't available?). Hopes nationwide are dashed by not having Napoleon Dynamite truck it in from Preston to do the halftime show.
Current Music: Junior Boys- Last Exit
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12:16 pm - this thing right here is lettin all the ladies know what guys talk about
Conversation of the day, yesterday edition:
Me: You're gonna like this...so I'm driving in Beth's car, and clear as day, on the backseat, I see an unopened airplane bottle of Hennessey.
Hal: Wow. It's probably not hers.
Me: You're right. Now it's mine.
It's always an unexpected pleasure to be able to drive my sister's Gallant, because nothing else here I'm allowed to drive has a CD player. Usually, I have to rock Mom's Subaru Forester, which my sister refuses to drive, successfully using the excuse of "because it's a lesbian car." So basically, my parents made me drive a Civic in college for the same reason they don't want my sister driving a Forester now: they want to minimize the possibility of women wanting to have sex with us.
Another fun side-effect of driving her car is that I get to sort through her CD collection in the glove compartment and unwrap mysteries of life such as, "where does 'The Thong Song' actually appear on 'Unleash The Dragon'?" To answer your question, it's eighth. It's just that much more jarring; a four-minute freakfast island smack dab in the middle of Mahogany Love. It's like driving with the kids to grandma's house in Boca Raton and stopping to eat at Applebee's in Panama City. Look, Sisqo: you know damn well the album reaches an insurmountable artistic peak with the F#m-Gm modulation at the end. Nothing from song nine on even had a chance.
Fun times yesterday watching the Cleveland-Miami game. For a something not involving the talents of Bill Walton, I've never seen a sporting contest where the announcers are making their disdain for the athletes more patently obvious. Joe Theisman said Ricky Williams was "getting an advanced degree in ganja." Then, I think he made some disparaging remarks about Latinos and Muslims just to make sure an obviously drunk Paul McGuire was awake. Or at least to memorialize the sermons of the late, great Reggie White. The saddest thing about his untimely death is that his bizarre rants to the Wisconsin Legislature about how the #1 Hispanic talent is stuffing sixteen people in one house will never see the light of day again, at least until I need something to fill up the requisite 20 minutes of skits on my upcoming double rap-CD "Commercial Paper," featuring the street banga "Buss'n Gats At Bloomberg." Jeez, first Jerome Brown, now the Minister of Defense. It's like the Gang Green Curse. I just hope Clyde Simmons has good life insurance.
Current Music: The Walkmen- Bows & Arrows
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December 22nd, 2004
05:40 pm - the snowman cometh
More worthwhile causes: do your part to start up the "Otis Nixon: Cooperstown Bound" bandwagon!
Current Music: Death From Above 1979- You're A Woman, I'm A Machine
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December 21st, 2004
10:12 am - we're not going to the town, we're going to the city
There are certain ways you can tell you're home. Like when you realize you've forgetten to bring home your body wash, so you have to borrow your sister's...and now you smell of melon and cucumber. Or when you see the winner of the 2004 "Who The Fuck Is Fooling Who Here?" Award: a Christmas card addressed to our family from "Goldman and Rothstein, Esq." Or when you can't blog for five minutes at a time because you're incensed with homicidal thoughts concerning a chihuahua. Yes, in a last-second entry to "Worst Idea of All Time, 2004 Edition," my sister was bought a chihuahua, Spanish for "slightly larger rat that you would love to step on, but it would probably make the same squeaking noise that's driving you batshit anyway." You're not family, so you probably have no idea what a colossally bad idea this is. My mom justified it by saying Beth had a tough year, particularly since someone she knew killed himself. What she failed to mention was that he was a troubled bookie, and coincidentally enough, did himself on a Monday. Tragic, yes; but I'm not gonna confuse the guy with Pat Tillman. The more overarching concern is that now, with her orange velour sweatsuit and chihuahua, we can all rest assured that my sister's future husband will know some guy who can detail my car with Chinese characters and an oversized spoiler.
So, then, only mini-blogs for awhile, and in this one, I can sum up my weekend trip to New York in five easy pieces:
1. At Penn Station, the ratio of ticket salespeople to tourists utterly baffled by the process of electronically purchasing a MetroCard is 1:2500. Meanwhile, at the McDonald's near the track, there's about hundreds of panhandlers and street musicians playing "Lean Back" on violin for who would disembowl Michael Spurlock if they actually knew who he was. You can figure out the solution here. This isn't rocket science, New York Transportation Authority.
2. White Plains might be the only city in the world whose name is comprised of the first two words that come to mind when describing its populace.
3. Girls who can't see the humor in wearing a Cliff Huxtable sweater/turtleneck combo to a low-key holiday party forfeit the right to complain about being single.
4. Hourly "actual music:explosion sound effect" ratio on Hot 97- 3:57. You would think Gob was the head of programming.
5. Traffic is so bad in New York because there's a five-mile section of the city exclusively cordoned off for staged car chases to be used in rap videos.
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December 20th, 2004
11:51 am - they all wanna fuck the cause
I've been too lazy to blog for real, but in the meantime, here's a cause I truly believe in, along with the Swaja Mohawk Preservation Society. Enjoy...
> Hey, everyone go vote for my shirt design at threadless.com and if it
> wins I get $400 plus we will all be able to get columbus bucket
> t-shirts! w00t!
>
> > Hey!
> >
> > I submitted a tee shirt design called Give 'er the ol' Columbus Bucket!
> > to Threadless.com to be voted on and hopefully printed.
> >
> > If I get enough high scores the shirt will be printed and
> > sold from the site and I will win some prizes. Take a look
> > at it and if you like it, sign up and give it a score.
> >
> > URL: http://www.threadless.com/submission/28799.html
> >
> > Thanks!
> >
> > P.S. I'm sure Threadless would be happy if you bought a tee too! ;)
>
> MW
>
Current Music: Rogue Wave- Out Of The Shadow
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December 16th, 2004
10:45 am - let me be your manager
Megan didn't dump me when I made out with a high school girl in the men's bathroom at the Georgia Dome, probably because I assured her that it was at least a hot high school girl. Megan didn't dump me when Radford outpimped my Saturn with his leather upholstery. Megan didn't dump me when I scratched her Maroon 5 CD. But this time, I really think it's over. Peep the conversation we had a little while ago:
Megan: So, we're going to the MTV Awards, right?
Me: I'm not paying you to talk.
Megan: What about the Soul Train Awards?
Me: Um, no. Gangsta Boo asked me to be her date, and I told her I had other obligations. It'd be really awkward.
Megan: 106 and Park?
Me: Freestyle Friday's tomorrow. Not yet.
Megan: So, you were lying the entire time when you and Jamie were rapping along to "Overnight Celebrity"? You're not gonna get out of this one by buying me another bootleg Marc Jacobs bag, asshole. But it's a start.
Bad times. But at least I'll have the memory of me and her watching Dubya groove along to Michael McDonald and Vanessa Williams' rendition of "White Christmas." If that doesn't put the "white" back in "white Christmas," I don't know what will.
Worse yet, it looks like I gotta thumb it to the airport now. Or take the fucking shuttle and have my ass half-hanging off the seat the entire time. I don't know much about the morbidly obese, but in my time in Athens, I am positive their hobbies include delaying already outrageous lines at Wal-Mart by insisting on payment by personal check and riding the AAA shuttle to Hartfield.
Current Music: Cam'ron- Purple Haze (it really is "human crack")
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December 13th, 2004
08:28 pm - truth is not kind, and you said neither am i
"Today was another day full of dread/but I never said I was afraid/Because the two should not be confused/by dread I'm inspired, by fear I'm amused."- Bonnie "Prince" Billy, "Another Day Full Of Dread"
Really sage stuff. For one thing, I dread Super Tuesday (seven hours of exams in one day, youngblood), but I know it's coming, and I know it will be over, and if I don't die or worse, I'm gonna need a nap. The desire to continue the genteel poverty of being a law student compels me to at least make a half-assed attempt at an outline, as opposed to last year's method, a 3/4-assed memorization of flash cards. The only thing I really FEAR is having to take a dump at an Eagles game. And if I'm not particularly amused by that prospect, I'm sure I'd get a kick when the first drunk Philly fan gives me the "what's takin' you so long in there? If you wanna play 'hide the salami' with your queer party friends, do it at the Texaco!" routine.
And yes, it does speak volumes of the jaded nature of my 2nd year that the only thing that has my stomach atwitter at this point is a Monday Night Football game that has no bearing on anything or anyone, except for compulsive gamblers and obsessive fantasy football GM's (over here, chief). If any of you guys could tie in Derrick "Don't Call Me Mookie" Blaylock to Jamal Lewis' drug ring in the next two hours, it'd help me out immensely.
I figured to prepare myself for tomorrow's battle, I had to develop a warrior mentality, which means arming myself with a satchel full of Arby's sandwiches and Diet Mountain Dew. No doubt the Arby's coupon broadsheet is the only worthwhile thing ever included in the Red & Black, other than Friday's letter to the editor commemorating the 24th anniversary of John Lennon getting shot by drawing a parallel to the untimely death of Dimebag Darrell. No, it wasn't me. I only write angry letters pseudonymously to the Cav Daily. Random musings while waiting in line:
- Hearing "You've Lost That Loving Feeling" in an Arby's doesn't make it any less devastating.
- Does the Jermaine Dupri-lookalike behind the counter know the lyrics to "All I Want" by Toad The Wet Sprocket because that's what always follows up "You've Lost That Loving Feeling" on the soundtrack or did he go to Davidson in the early '90s? And moreover, when fraternities start having "90's Parties," is this what they're gonna have to play? Hey, it's not the stuff is that bad; I get sent into a black hole of giddy pre-teen nostalgia anytime I hear the words "Gin" and "Blossoms" used in the same sentence. But then again, maybe that's why people are now getting into decade-old nostalgia instead of the observing the usual two-decade waiting period; in 1994, some people were able to keep the Skid Row phenomenon at a low boil, because at least it wasn't fuckin' Live. Likewise, I'm reevaluating the worth of songs like "Walk On The Ocean" and "Alison Road," because there are far greater musical crimes in 2004 than wearing flannel and being a fucking pussy.
But the bigger problem is that the party music in the 80's is still the party music of 2004, and you should thank your lucky Darkness that there are those seeking to change that. The hedonistic, good time stuff of the '90s? You're edging perilously close to Ace of Base territory if you're going mid-90's, or the Swing/Korn pick-your-poison of the late-90's. Because Pimps 'n' Hoes mixers are the forum for gangsta rap, and John Corabi was the frontman for Motley Crue in 1995. Not good times.
Current Music: Neutral Milk Hotel- In The Aeroplane Over The Sea
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10:49 am - get you ice like kobe's wife
Megan told me that there used to be this thing at Zales where you would buy some sort of jewel-encrusted item that would be attached to a teddy bear. That's bogus: I'd rather have me the double standard that Kobe got with his $4 million-dollar apology (it's the gift that keeps on giving!).
http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=1944994
Now, if you're anything like me, you're just disappointed it wasn't Mark Madsen's wife getting hit on by Karl Malone, or Karl Malone's wife being hit on by Mark Madsen. Or Mark Madsen hitting on Karl Malone.
But if it was Kobe hitting on Karl Malone's wife, that wouldn't be as hysterical, mostly because Karl Malone probably has far different ideas of conflict resolution than someone who went to my mom's high school. Shit, I knew Barry Bonds' physique and surliness were always the result of steroids, because if it actually was from training, he'd look like Karl Malone instead, who other than LL Cool J is the most diesel dude no one's ever accused of hittin' the juice. Maybe that's why Kobe prefers to fuck Vail snow bunnies...hushing up the Ma and Pa Milquetoast with a couple of Volvos is a far better fate than being on the business end of a Mailman-authored pummeling.
But come the fuck on...if I learned nothing else in the Lodge, it's that if your girlfriend can't handle a guy in cowboy boots making fun of Mexicans, she wasn't worth having in the first place. That's not "hitting on" a girl, and even if it was, Neil, Wops and Mikesko would be the first to tell you it doesn't even work 85-90% of the time.
This is yet another reason I always defended Shaq in their little dispute. Regardless of what you think about either of them, I'm always going with the guy who lied about throwing it in Tori Spelling. Now THAT'S someone with a sense of humor. If I tried to put the moves on the Big Aristotle's wife, he'd probably get a big laugh out of it and give me one of his bouncing cars for my troubles.
Current Music: Mobb Deep- Murda Muzik
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December 11th, 2004
08:05 pm - magilla gorilla ain't a killah
You know, the Division II football championship just isn't the same when a Trucks isn't prominently involved. Who is involved, you say? Thanks for asking! For one thing, we have the Pittsburg State Gorillas, so named to represent Kansas' pride in its indigenous gorilla population. That's right up there with the Toledo Rockets for "nicknames that eat, breathe and shit tradition."
At least these guys look like they give a fuck. I'm personally looking forward to seeing Virginia put the kind of effort into the MPC Computers Bowl that they put into the NIT. God, what does Pete Gillen say to them every year? "Look guys, this is for all the marbles! If we win, we get to have three more days of practice so we can go play St. John's! If we lose, we all get Spring Break! Now, let's go out there and give Brown hell!" And yes, that actually did happen in 2003. If you were gonna tell me Virginia was playing Brown in a post-season basketball game, I would've guessed Penn and Princeton got probation for gambling on Halo II. There's absolutely nothing more depressing than the NIT; you should never have to ask yourself if your team even wants to win a game. Actually, this is more depressing:
http://virginiasports.collegesports.com/sports/m-footbl/0405-bowlinfo-studenttrip.html
All that's missing are cheese sandwiches and juice boxes. This is starting to resemble an awful mixer that you can't back out on because the president's girlfriend is the social chair.
So, Adrian Peterson's mom can't show to the Heisman ceremony because she's expecting a baby. Adrian's dad has been in jail since 1998. Juh?
Current Music: Radiohead- The Bends
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04:36 pm - if i knew it was gonna be that kinda party, i'd stick my dick in the mashed potatoes
You know what? I had a bigger blog planned for today that laid out why I ended up a music major and how I should've stuck with economics, so I wouldn't have to go to law school. But I have to strategize for Black History Month's playoff clash tomorrow, because the difference between a paid-off credit card bill and getting the "you didn't spend it all on booze?" speech from Ma and Pa is at stake. For the gridiron fans out there: Bulger's out, so do I start Drew Brees or Brian Griese?
I might get back to the bigger picture later, but I think a better way of illustrating the difference between us and those who actually make money is by letting Wops' emails from yesterday do the heavy lifting for this entry. And keep in mind that he's the busiest person I know who isn't in law school...
"As even more evidence that Allred looks and acts like he's a cokehead but really
isn't, his new music genre kick is 70's and 80's Easy Listening. He
made me stay up and drink beer with him last night while we listened
to the sweet, sweet tunes of Bread, Air Supply and Lionel Ritchie
feat. Diana Ross. I think he's finally lost it. However, one positive
that came out of listening to all this was that I discovered a song by
Christopher Cross that features Michael McDonald. It's called "Ride
Like the Wind." I actually remember the song from way back in the day,
but as a 6-year-old kid I guess neglected to realize who the guest
singer was. Finding a song with Michael McDonald as the guest singer
is like finding gold while looking for silver."
- And yes, Allblack is probably the next of my friends to get married. The last time I was in New York, he had to go to the ballet with his rich girlfriend who goes to the ballet sometimes, because that's what rich girlfriends do. Two hours later, before we realized that we were still pre-gaming, he comes back with her, in his suit, holding a six-pack of Schlitz tallboys. Well played. Certainly the kind of behavior I expect from someone with an engineering degree who spent one month in college looking for a Journey/Foreigner collaboration he insisted was not a figment of his imagination (it turned out to be "Feelin' That Way").
Personally, I couldn't agree more with your evaluation of Michael McDonald guest spots (JAH MO BEEEE THERE! JAH MO BEEEE THERE! James Ingram- respect his gangsta). For Christ's sake, he got sampled for "Regulate"- how has he not turned this into a lucrative career as a hip-hop guest vocalist? I guess since those chipmunk R&B samples are so popular, that doesn't bode well. You simply can't pitch-alter a voice that rich in blue-eyed soul. Kenny Rogers has been on two more songs than he has! Granted, they were ones by Wyclef and Coolio, but all money's green on the outside. Now, Kenny Rogers and Michael McDonald...who wouldn't want to see those two go beard-to-beard?
"Do you know how hard it is for guys to take women on traditional dates
after the Biggie song "Fucking You Tonight"? Shit, if R. Kelly has to
lay down the hammer and demand sex after countless instances of
spending, wining and dining, what hope is there for people like
myself? Because that's the only thing going through my mind when I
take a girl out to dinner - enjoy the steak and tiramasu, because for
the next five hours I'm gonna borderline harass you trying to get in
your pants. That's why I prefer the non-traditional way: drunk sex
after a night at the club. Come to think of it, could you even see R.
Kelly on a dinner date? Does the waiter card his date? This is as
incredulous as seeing Jigga going bowling, or DMX meeting girls at an
ice cream parlor."
- First off, Wops, it's "#!*@ You Tonight." Get your shit straight. Secondly, I think you're overestimating the popularity of that song amongst the demographic you're most likely to date, i.e., coworkers. I mean, it would've been wildly successful with a video and all that if Biggie wasn't you know, dead. I realize that we had to go through that whole "necrophilia's not a sin" bit in our pledging, but I think most people tend to be a little uncomfortable hearing songs from the recently deceased about fucking. "Rock The Boat" is concrete evidence of this.
Also, Jay-Z said, "we CAN go bowling. It ain't like before." I think he's just leaving the possibility open, but it's as unrealistic as Beyonce looking for a thug with his "grille gleamin'" and "street credibility." It still cracks me up that T.I. and Lil' Wayne on that song. Those two guys couldn't even get a phone number from the fifteen girls that have gotten kicked out of Destiny's Child.
I think the real problem with "#!*@ You Tonight" is that it's like "Mo' Money, Mo' Problems" in that no song will elicit less sympathy from its listening audience. Do you think people in Bed Stuy like "Mo' Money Mo' Problems" because they can relate to it or because their mama used to make them dance to the Diana Ross song that gets sampled? Seriously, what problem wouldn't money SOLVE for me at this point?
As for "#!*@ You Tonight," that's like the "All My Friends" of rap music. And for those who can't remember, "All My Friends" is a song by the Counting Crows where Adam Duritz gets all self-piteous and sings "I'm still looking for a girl." He's a Jewish kid from Berkeley with dreads and he dated two non-male cast members of "Friends." It's not a thing I like to do often, but sometimes you can't NOT view a song through the prism of its author's personal life and call "bullshit." I mean, "In Those Jeans"...since when did Ginuwine have to ask for sex? I just wish some singers would just admit that they have lives that no one can relate to anymore instead of trying to guess at my problems. It's the difference between "Jump" Van Halen and "Right Now" Van Halen.
But on that topic, I've gotta get the studyin' done so I can go out and party with the Claremonsters. As per the dress code, Megan advised me "to wear pants." What's it with you girls telling me to wear pants? God, wear a leather mini-skirt once, and all of a sudden you're Peter Pantsless.
It might be a Sparks pre-game kinda night...ah, what night isn't? Megan tells me that they sell it at 283 now, and the price for three is something like 14.25, which means they're 4.75 a pop. Let's put this in perspective:
Three cans of Sparks at Sam's Package Store: 4.30
Bottle of Mr. Boston, tonic water and ten packs of Smarties: 12.00, tops.
Just another reason to drink at home. Without pants.
Current Music: Tricky- Maxinquaye
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December 9th, 2004
02:29 pm - i'm all that and a dimesack
http://www.cnn.com/2004/US/12/09/nightclub.shooting/index.html
This is a particularly poignant moment for me, considering that when my guitar skills were coming of age in the mid-to-late '90s, on any given month, there was a 75% chance that Dimebag Darrell was on the cover of either "Guitar" (for people who frequent guitar stores over twice a week to flesh out their plot of shoplifting Dream Theater tab books), "Guitar World" (for the people who seriously needed transcriptions to songs like "Doll Parts" and "Longview") or "Guitar Player" (for the upper crust guitar player who didn't need tablature because they had Prodigy or Compuserve in its embryonic form). Ah, Pantera- the band that filled the needs of all people who wished Metallica was more overtly racist. Nonetheless, "Fucking Hostile" is still my jam.
Current Music: Pantera- Vulgar Display Of Power
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December 8th, 2004
10:41 pm - i don't wanna be the type of guy who sits alone readin' books and never eats a pizza pie
http://home.nc.rr.com/keehyun/stuff/jew-heyya.html
Other than the solid accounting practices, this is another reason you should go out of your way to join more mostly-Jewish fantasy football leagues, because this is the kind of thing that routinely pops up on the message board. Even though unwittingly busting this out in the library will cause many humor-starved law students to crowd around you (and you certainly want that), I feel obligated to tell you that it does require sound.
Also, I'm sorry to say that my once-favorite pizza chain has given up the ghost and realized they can't fuck with the Papa John Mafia. I'm sure by now you've seen the Domino's Double Melt pizza on TV, and that shit's straight Pizza Hut, i.e., a gimmick pizza that doesn't even bother to make itself look appetizing in the commercial. At least the stuffed crust pizza told you up front that was real cheese in there. This shit looks like they just jabbed a Velveeta syringe in the middle of the pie and squeezed. It's obvious Papa John's got the pizza game by the balls, and everyone else is so fucked they're using the strategy of a guy down by two touchdowns in a game of Madden with five-minute quarters: just go deep and run the WR-reverse or fake punt every time, and hope the other dude gets so pissed off, it's not even fun for him to play anymore. And by the way, no matter how much the AI of video games improves over the years, the only time the WR reverse ever worked was with Sterling Sharpe, and only Sterling Sharpe (because for some reason they had him lined up at #2WR), in Madden '92. I think that's why Wake Forest is one of my favorite teams to watch play football: you get to see every play that guarantees a 5-yard loss in a decade's worth of NCAA Football actually work for once.
Current Music: A.C. Newman- The Slow Wonder
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December 7th, 2004
08:19 pm - on moishe, on herschel, on schlomo...
Hey, it's Hannukah! Socks for all! Unfortunately, I wasn't able to pinpoint its exact starting date until today, because I'm a bad Jew, gnawing on a hamhock and a girl named Christina at the same time. Moreover, Sports Guy once very accurately compared Hannukah to the annual Miami Dolphins collapse: it happens in December, no one knows exactly when it is, and it causes great joy to all. The Dolphins are 2-10 or some shit. I have no frame of reference anymore.
I guess what I really want for Hannukah, in light of the last 20 or so hours, is some reconstructive surgery after Environmental Law and Con Law's complete violation of my nether regions. Ironically, my biggest complaint about the law school curriculum is how I have a mind for trivia, and most exams don't reward you for knowing minutiae like "which NBA star was the defendant in So and So v. Johnson"? (Sidenote: this question got asked early in the year in Big Tom Stud's class last year, and I knew it was Magic Johnson. He asked how I came up with that, and I told him: "well, it's in Michigan, and it looks like a case where someone's making an accusation of intentional transfer of an STD." He expected "I looked it up on LexisNexis.") And yet, I was baffled by the multiple-choice portion of the Con Law exam, which just as easily could've been cooked by the people at Taco Mac. Hey, look: if I'm gonna go that route, I need to round up the Hannukah Hams. I guarantee if Trucks, Halerino and myself were surfeited with pitchers, wings and five-minute interjections of modern rock favorites, we'd be acing that shit, no problemo.
And moreover, I want me some Sizzurp Purple Punch. http://www.internetwines.com/rws30640.html Mostly because this guy's endorsing it:
http://hardlyart.blogspot.com/2004_10_01_hardlyart_archive.html#109911563678773828
(and let the record show, Megan likes this song more than any white girl has a right to. Unless she's the random white chick from the video...that would certainly explain a lot, particularly the trips on Greyhound to Miami every third weekend, not to mention her tendency to wear T-shirts that go down to her knees).
More accurately, I want it as a gift because that shit's $32 a bottle! And, as far as I can tell, it probably tastes like a concoction I'd come up with after a long night experimenting with different mixers for Mountain Dew Pitch Black. Some would say Puffy ruined rap artistically, but I'd say he ruined it in a more fundamental fashion: he let rappers know they didn't have to be financially fucked by their record labels. Back in the days of Death Row dominance, Snoop would be advertising St. Ides (the fruit kind with natural flizavors- a personal favorite of Hammer), mostly because that's what HE drank and that's what HE could afford. And more importantly, that's what I could afford. Now look at this grown and sexy shit: Armadale, Cristal, Sizzurp, Hypnotiq...Sure, they gotta mention it three times in one song, at a minimum, but have any of y'all seen Armadale in da c'ub? Okay, that's directed to Wops, because he's the only one who probably goes to c'ubs. Ya know, the kind that show up on the Real World, with those wall fixtures that involve running water and stuff...Anyways, Lil' Jon, please rep the South properly and make Crunk Juice an even more affordable variation of Sparks. If not, "ghetto/pimps and hoes mixers" could cease to exist as we know them.
Postscript: First this Sunday's SeaLab 2021, now this: at the end of Cam'ron's "Down And Out," here's his geographical shout-out: "Ohio, you know the deal. Columbus! Holla at your boy! Youngstown, Dayton, Cleveland, Cincinnati..." (best one since Raekwon on "Rainy Dayz": "peace to Philly, V-A"). Apparently, communications in the inner sanctum of the Scooperfund Site on Saturdays have implications reaching further than we ever could imagine.
Current Music: Cam'ron- Purple Haze
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December 6th, 2004
12:01 am - the greatest claim to fame since wkrp
On "SeaLab 2021," the term "Cincinnati hot plate" was said six times, twice by Hitler before he got eaten by Sharko. If you're reading this blog, congrats: there's probably about 20 people in America who get the joke and you know 85% of them.
Current Music: Now It's Overhead- Fall Back Open
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December 5th, 2004
04:07 pm - you can't beat that with a bat
I got an e-mail from one of my LSAT students which included this link:
http://www.princetonreview.com/law/research/profiles/studentsSay.asp?listing=1035782&category=6<ID=5 and "is this at all true?" Well, I've got the "what UGA students say about 'life'" portion...here's what it says:
Students at UGA are absolutely crazy about their classmates, who are not only "incredibly smart, talented, and hard-working [but] also kind, friendly people." The "brilliant and socially astute" law students come "from diverse backgrounds and prestigious undergraduate institutions and careers." One student adds, "The social climate at Georgia Law is ideal, and the school environment is relatively stress free (for law school!)." Although there is some "healthy competition," there is of course, "no book hiding or note hoarding—everybody is very helpful." A forty-something, single mother of two raves, "Everyone here has been incredibly welcoming, generous, and accommodating."
The campus is very active and social, boasting a variety of clubs, student groups, and social events. There's even "a talent show each year [where] the whole law school comes together (including the faculty) to have fun together." And Georgia students have a heart: "Students are passionate, energetic, involved in the whole gamut of political, social, legal, religious, charitable, and other activities." Another student adds, "I've been impressed with the number and quality of my fellow students who intend to use their great education from Georgia Law to serve their communities."
Off-campus, "Athens is a short, beautiful one-block walk away." A quintessential college town, "Athens tends to be a fairly diverse, open-minded place, so there really is something for everyone here." You'll find "dozens of restaurants and coffee shops available, all with student-friendly prices," as well as "southern charm, warm weather, and fun things to do downtown." There are plenty of bands to see, since Athens has a tradition of "overflowing with great rock and roll." (Famous acts hailing from Athens include R.E.M. and the B-52s.)
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12:23 pm - have fun, but stay clear of the needle. call home on your sister's birthday
Today is Lil' Sis Cohen's 21st birthday, which means she can drink legally for the second time, the first being her freshman year of college, when she convinced my mom that Rhode Island was allowed to have clubs with drinking ages of 18. I guess if ABC can forget about U.S. v. Morrison when touting Frank Beamer's "blue collar" program in Blacksburg, Rhode Island can ignore South Dakota v. Dole. Fair enough, but their highways must be in shambles.
Fortunately for Sis, I'm pretty sure Hannukah starts on the 17th (we might have to bump up Dreidel Drinking Games before I skip town) this year, so she's not as screwed on the gift-getting frontier as she has been in the past. I mean, she really does need another pair of Ugs. The ones she saves for the summer are probably worn out by now.
Current Music: The Wrens- Seacaucus
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December 4th, 2004
06:18 pm - you wanna sing and dance, but you shat in your pants
True, the lyric really goes “but you sat on your hands.” But I’ve had enough of these bands willfully turning a blind eye to the very real problem of indie rockers not dancing at shows because they’ve befouled themselves.
So, I think no phone call crystallizes my current station in life quite like the one I received from Wops around 11:30 last night:
“Um…I was gonna leave a drunk message for you, but I guess you’re here. I expected you to be um, doing something else.”
So there you have it. Finals life in a nutshell. But I may be watching "Pootie Tang" tonight. So it's all good, like Reader's Digest. Then again, I did have a pretty exciting dream where I was at a football stadium with no pants on (this is one of my dreams that stands a good chance of coming true), and George Jones was singing the national anthem. Well, I guess it could be worse: Grace Jones could’ve been there.
As for the whole steroid thing in baseball, I’ll have to turn it over to one of my favorite exchanges from “Boogie Nights” that doesn’t involve “those are great names!” or “why don’t you feast on this?”:
“I think she did too much coke!”
“Oh, you think so, doctor?”
Come the fuck on…no matter how bulked up he got throughout his entire body, when you took his head into account, Barry Bonds was as proportional as a candy apple. The only athlete who underwent the same bodily transformation was Shawn Kemp, and that involved fathering eighteen kids and running through enough coke to warrant a nickname change from the Reign Man to the Snowman. My favorite memory of the Bonds Denial Era was reading an article written about him in Men’s Journal that simply marveled at his workout regimen. The writer remarked how Bonds couldn’t have been on ‘roids because he didn’t have the backne that tends to accompany it. The best part was when someone asked Bonds to take his shirt off, to which he replied, “you ain’t my woman.” I love that. Is there a law school yearbook or something where I can use that as my 3L quote?
Maybe I have to rank his “I didn’t know it was a steroid” excuse #1. I’m assuming Barry Bonds had an adolescence, and the fact is, if you’ve ever been on the wrong side of a locker room prank involving Tiger Balm, you’ll never rub anything on your skin without knowing EXACTLY what it is. Or something under your tongue…c’mon, you’ve seen “Go”!
I think our problem with all this is not that they’re on drugs, but that they’re not on COOL drugs. Do English professors stop teaching Coleridge because he did more smack than Iggy Pop? Wasn’t Hendrix technically on “performance enhancing drugs”? Think about it: when we hear how Mickey Mantle played most of his career drunker than a poet on payday (then again, so did Vin Baker), it actually makes his feats more impressive in most people’s eyes. “Wow, he must be the first guy whose batting average matched his BAC. That’s a fuckin’ BALLPLAYER.” Wonder why all those NBA games in the ‘70s were 120-119? Who the fuck cares about d’ing up your man when you’re so coked out that you can solve ALL the world’s problems? And would we really be that up in arms if we found out Adam Vinatieri is so ice-cold in clutch situations because he puffs a big Bob Marley spliff before each Super Bowl?
Just go ahead and make all drugs legal in sports. You can say it's going to sully the purity of professional sports, but so the fuck what? To quote Oasis (see below), "you can have it all, but how much do you want it?" It'll probably prevent fewer people to throw their lives away on professional sports. When they realize they can end up like Ken Caminiti if they go down that path, they might want to hit the books a little harder. And on the flipside, if a person is willing to take that risk, all the book learnin' in the world ain't gonna do shit for them.
For real, it’s not like everyone’s gonna end up hitting .400 with 73 home runs, because as we all know, drugs affect people in different ways. With ‘roids, some people put up Hall of Fame numbers, some grow bitch tits and have their testicles shrink to marbles. I mean, when musicians fool around with cocaine, they could end up making “Rumours” or on the other side of the spectrum, Oasis’ “Be Here Now,” which has to be the greatest argument against substance abuse that isn’t shown in Driver’s Ed. Seriously, when I first got my digital recorder, I spent about five hours trying to copy the outro to “The Boys Are Back In Town.” So what happens when you give one of rock’s biggest egos unlimited cocaine and studio time, plus a co-production credit? Well, if you liked “Champagne Supernova,” and I mean REALLY liked “Champagne Supernova,” you should stop reading right now and get “Be Here Now,” because it inhabits an alternate universe where it was that song and not “Wonderwall” that broke the band in the U.S. and everyone wanted TWELVE versions of it on one CD. For real: the first song is seven and a half minutes long, and two of them are helicopter noises and feedback. Then, they just toss in backwards vocals and guitars, wah-wah, an N.W.A. sample, and just about every digital effect made in the last 50 years. It makes “Achilles Last Stand” look modest by comparison as a lead-off track. But you can’t hear any bass whatsoever. This is what happens when you let guitarists produce their own albums. People seem to forget that “OK Computer” was to Oasis what “Nevermind” was to Warrant.
I’m not exactly sure what this means to all of Bonds’ records. Let him keep them, if it prevents another ridiculously awkward Sosa/McGwire chest-bump when the next two guys try to break the record. I mean, I don’t want an asterisk next to my name when I shatter the GPA record after doing a nosedive in a mound of Ritalin.
The funniest part is how ESPN ran a survey about whether you would take steroids to make millions as a professional athlete, and 50% of the respondents said no! Half! Unless they restricted the survey to the panel on “The Sports Reporters,” this is a bigger crock of shit than a CNN exit poll. So, were these responses taken before or after their supervisor fired them for dicking off on espn.com for too long? These are the same people who have such a hard-on for sports, they’ve been reduced to wannabes at the only position fat, unathletic white men have a shot at: general manager. And they wouldn’t stick a needle in their ass to get on the playing field and score some Bull Durham-type groupies? C’mon, half these fuckers are gonna end up with diabetes anyway. And Susan Sarandon’s not gonna do ya when that goes down.
Current Music: The Shins- Chutes Too Narrow
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December 3rd, 2004
07:45 am - we're not against rap. we're not against RAPPERS. but we are against those thugs (thugs thugs...)
You guys missed the most awesome scene at Ramsey that didn't involve some sorority trim in sunglasses using the inner thigh machine. Basically: Rakesh was right. People are most definitely stealing shit there, for example, my shitty discman. I almost think they did me a favor. Last night, they actually caught somebody in the act, and of course it was fan-fucking-tastic. I was on my way to the upstairs track to do a little running/slalom skiing between rows of fat chicks who don't understand the meaning of the word "single file," when I saw a couple of people getting into a little skirmish outside the basketball court. You figure at first they're either just messing around because one team got stuck with the little white guy who smokes or they're reenacting the beginning of the "Thuggish Ruggish Bone" video. Safe to say, once you hear "get 'em!" and the next thing you know, someone's face-first on the ground with handcuffs and threatened with a tazer, surrounded by a bunch of gym bags that aren't his, it becomes fairly clear what just happened. My favorite part was how one of the security guards was like, "move along...nothing to see here!" What, are you fucking joking? There's plenty of shit to see here!
Then again, it wasn't exactly a grand theft on some "Ocean's Eleven" shit. Yeah, when you're running through Ramsey with three large gym bags in December with no shirt on and your pants sagging to your ankles, you will not arouse any suspicion. I'd like to think they pinned every unsolved theft on the guy, but I have serious doubts that this kid had much use for the Dismemberment Plan CD that was in my discman at the time.
Also, a couple of reasons why I'm THIS close to getting an i-pod for Ramsey (although I can't expect one for Hannukah. The rumors are true: all we get are socks and chocolate coins).
1. I know it's been a year or so since this song was remotely popular, and I've done a good job of never having to listen to it straight through once, but if I was a linebacker, I'd demand the PA guy replace "Crazy Train" with "Where's The Love?," because absolutely no song makes me want to beat the living shit out of someone more than that. Yes, the only thing between us and that one time where kids weren't dying and pollution was non-existent and everyone loved each other is a fucking Benetton ad with Justin Timberlake. I think these guys have opened up for every single University-sanctioned hip-hop show in history, and they had the formula right: rap for five minutes, spin on your head for thirty. Maybe I'm the reason they can't find the love, but Christ on a bike, the "Runaway Train" video was less manipulative than this shit. And also, what does their "Let's Get It Started" do that M.C. Hammer's didn't fifteen years ago? Oh yeah, that white chick. On the other hand, nice rack, Fergie.
2. Wops listens to Live way more than I do (he should be in the Smithsonian as "that guy who bought 'Birds Of Pray' in its first week of release and still owns it"), so maybe he can answer these questions. First, is it ever a good idea to name a song "All Over You"? And second, "our love is like water/pinned down and abused for being strange"...did we let that guy sing that shit THREE TIMES during the song because Clinton-era laziness was really that bad, or is it just one of those "what is the sound of one hand clapping?" Zen koans? Or is it that the people at Radioactive Records dubbed out the original lyric, which replaced "water" with "a retarded sibling"?
3. All it takes is a New Found Glory to make you realize how tolerable Creed really is.
Oh, and if you wondering, the girl on the "Thuggish Ruggish Bone" chorus is Shatasha Williams, who went on to greater fame in absolutely nothing. I have the research to prove it. Enjoy.
http://www.ohhla.com/anonymous/bonethug/creepin/thuggish.bne.txt
Current Music: Talk Talk- Laughing Stock
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