girls gone wild! re-al-it-y TV style!
Sunday, 2 PM

“It’s not the best wine. But it’s an honest wine.”

Sunday, more pre-gaming before July 4th. Yeah, I know I’m going out of order right now, but there’s no way to capture Saturday night in an accurate way. Crawfish boil. Mint-green Polos. Small-scale explosives. Beer pong in lieu of failed croquet match. Tenacious D at Richmond crime-spree decibel levels. I’m servin’ the aces and it’s game, set and match. On the surface, it would seem as if a pictorial would be needed from Fraternal Geographic, but not really according to the people at Fratty.net. It was a sort of cross-section of frat kids from UVA who deal in that sort of social strata that can be accurately described as “all the houses that we’re better than think we’re fucking insane, and all the houses that are better than us think we’re a complete joke.” With most of my friends, it’s like fratting with an extra chromosome. I mean, one minute we’re belting out “Family Tradition,” and the next, Nat is wearing nothing but an apron and pouring beer on his head while the rest of us play tag with Roman Candles. Keep your Total Frat Move. We’ve got the Total Nat Move.

One of UVA funniest and cruelest jokes is how many people were drinkin’ that “I only date Southern (frat/srat-tard)” Kool-Aid. I’ll let you in on a little secret: the pictures on fratty.net apply just as much to Bucknell as it does Ole Miss. If you want to date someone rich, that’s fine. Really. It’s no less a valid characteristic than being an athlete, a musician, or both like Deion Sanders or the 1986 Chicago Bears Shufflin’ Crew, if that’s what your into. I think we’re the outright #1 public school, but US News ties us with Berkeley every year because we have a large contingent dumb enough to think nothin’ says Dixie like Marietta, Dallas and Charlotte. An Olive Garden is an Olive Garden.

But anyways, we spent most of Sunday afternoon abiding by the Modest Mouse credo, “I’m trying to drink away the part of the day that I cannot sleep away” (or is it the other way around?). I’ll find a used CD store that has less than five copies of “One Hot Minute” before the perfect pre-game recipe is discovered and given to those who truly need it. No less an authority than Don Henley tried to come up with the formula, and according to Mr. Peaceful Easy Feeling, the secret is to “pound three beers before you leave and then have one every hour.” Take it easy, indeed. I used to laugh at how “binge drinking” was classified as having five drinks in one evening, because if I’m the road to being considered an alcoholic, shouldn’t I at least be drunk? But then it became clear: if I have even two beers, it ain’t because I’m thirsty. I’d drink me some Kool-Aid if that were the case. Or Manischewitz, because I have discovered that it is the perfect pre-game accessory; it’s cheap, packs about a four-beer buzz if you polish it off in a half-hour or so, and you can’t get too drunk off of it, because no one, and I mean NO ONE can finish two without going without getting Tourette’s and diabetes at the same time. It should’ve replaced the 40 a long time ago, but people would much rather emulate the rapper than the guy who’s signing his checks.

So fuck Don Henley for his “cocktail party animal” drinking plan, not to mention “Hell Freezes Over.” Courtesy of the letters XΨ and the number 17, Cohenalia boozeologists have left the “Witch-ay Woman” stuff to Henley and taken it upon themselves to discover pre-game Shangri-La. That’ll be five bucks. Box 586. Have a good day.

Fratty Lite
- Pros: Cheap, can turn into home furnishing as a pyramid. Easy to wing at passers-by.
- Cons: Probably turns into spring water when placed in a Brita filter.

40 Oz.
- Pros: Tastes great with Skittles and Wiffle Ball.
- Cons: Completely incompatible with all drinking games, other than the “Korner Drinking Game” invented at the Lodge (Player A: “Drink.” Player B: “OK.”). Have such a small window of time before they turn completely into ass, they might as well be renamed “Penn State freshman girls.”

Micro-brew
- Pros: “Yeah, man…it’s this cool microbrew my friend Greg told me about. It really tastes good with this sourdough bread.”
- Cons: Who the fuck are you kidding?

Boxed wine
- Pros: Chillable Red a nickname I wish I had. Pouch easily turns into Camelback. About the only thing you can sneak into a basketball ticket line
- Cons: “Jesus Christ?! Who forgot to put this back in the refrigerator? And how the fuck am I getting this out of the carpet?”

Boone’s Farm
- Pros: “I can’t believe they’re letting us have this! This is the best Bar Mitzvah ever!”
- Cons: “I can’t believe they’re letting us have this! This is the worst mixer ever!”

Evan Williams/Aftershock/Aristocrat shots
- Pros: Provides Surge’s only identifiable use: a chaser for awful liquor smuggled into first year dorms
- Cons: Intervention after you curse out the RA.

Maker’s Mark/Grey Goose/Bombay Sapphire
- Pros: Momentary sense of all being good in the world.
- Cons: Drink it like it’s stolen. It probably is.

Cristal
- Pros: Go short-ay! It’s your burfday! Looks ultra-cool if you bust it out at a softball game.
- Cons: Chances of getting shot increase approximately 800%.

Weed
- Pros: Well, if you really want pre-game to last four quarters…
- Cons: That $16 you spent on a moe. studio album could’ve bought more drugs.

Toot
- Pros: “Mixer with Kappa tonight, bro!”
- Cons: “What do you mean we’re out?! This was supposed to last the whole fucking weekend!”

Pharm Team
- Pros: Safe haven for non-street smart frat-tards likely to be sold Drano by the neighborhood coke dealer.
- Cons: Well, if you want to tell your dentist why your teeth have been grinded down to the size of Tic Tacs…

Heroin
- Pros: Excellent weight loss program
- Cons: “Who the fuck took my DVD player?”

Glue Sniffing
- Pros: Those model airplanes mom bought you for your 10th birthday don't suck anymore, do they?
- Cons: See “Pharm Team,” replace “dentist” with “neurologist” and “teeth” with “brain.”